andyougoleft | |: 014. Video : When the Music's Over, But the Song Stays in Your Head :|

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the last voyages

|: 014. Video : When the Music's Over, But the Song Stays in Your Head :|

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     So, I've seen how these sorts of questions go over around here. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of troll answers, and angry defensiveness, and cagey suspicion, and this is me saying I'm okay with whatever comes my way. Bring it on. Because at least one of you is going to give me a straight answer, and I guess...

     [Slevin is sitting in his room talking to the communicator, toying with something in his hands. It flashes gold just at the edge of the view screen when he hesitates to look down at it, takes a breath, continues anyway:]

     I guess that's what I need. Just one. So: what was the worst thing you ever lost?

     And how did you decide to handle it?

     [ Private : Chris D'Amico ]

     You were right. I'm an asshole, but I can at least admit when I made a mistake.

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I'm not sure, that's why I'm asking. Because if it's just morbid curiosity, some of us might not feel like answering.

Look, Steve, you're new here so I'm going to cut you a break and give you this one for free:

I don't really do morbid curiosity. I've been here...

Holy shit.

I've been here almost a year now, and I'm about five stages past morbid curiosity. Don't answer if you don't want to. I'm not the Admiral, I'm not going to make you.

Sorry. I'm just trying to understand why you're asking, all right? [He is new here, and he's run into all kinds.] That's all I wanted to know.

[He's not a fan of simply satisfying morbid curiosity. Although he supposes his answer to your question isn't exactly a secret around here, anyway. Not that it's public knowledge either, though, exactly.]

I lost Bucky. [And he's working on fixing it, but no one can know that.] And I didn't handle it. I went on a suicide mission instead.

[Which Bucky is pissed about, but look, Steve's still here. ~~No harm done, right?~~]

[It's hypocritical that Slevin wants to know other peoples' answers and doesn't want to answer himself; he justifies this by exactly what he told Steve. He's not making anyone answer. He's not going to.

It's strange and unsettling, letting himself rely on the charity of others, even if he knows in the back of his mind that even if no one answers he'll figure something out. He always does.

And because Steve is new, he doesn't really know how rare it is that when Slevin smiles there's no smarm in it, just a dry kind of acknowledgement. It's familiar.]

Suicide mission, huh? [Something just a shade to the side of bitterness, something empathetic. That, too, is strange and unsettling.]

You're looking pretty lively for all of that.

[Steve's starting to assume that if it's not for morbid curiosity's sake, then Slevin has a personal reason he's asking. And while turnabout would probably be fair play, it still doesn't seem quite right. At least, not yet.]

Let's just say I don't know how to fly a plane, but I'm decent at crashing them into the ocean.

[Now he smiles - and it is wry.] Problem is, I'm a hell of a lot harder to kill than anybody bargained. [Including himself.] Of course, when they dug me out, it had... been a while.

[Although not long enough to ever make losing Bucky not hurt. No amount of time is that long.]

[Slevin is starting to learn that. He was told that time would make the hurt less. For him, it's only made it sharper, hazier, but no less heavy to carry.

He shakes his head.] You wouldn't know subtle if it hit you with a fifty caliber, would you?

Not that I'm really one to talk. Just an observation.

[He's quiet a moment. Then:]

Is that why you're here?

[It never gets easier. Not when you lose something that was a part of yourself.

And he can't help but laugh - and shake his head, agreeing.] Not if it hit me with a buzz bomb. [Just ask Bucky.]

Sort of. It's complicated. [And he will not go into the details on that.] I've made plenty of mistakes. Maybe I just want to make a few of them... better. [Because he's not sure he can ever make them right.]

[But Slevin shakes his head, anticipating the problem with the summary. He doesn't want the details. They're not important to him and he's not going to pretend like they are.]

I just don't understand why you'd come to a place that can give you anything you want and not fix that, if losing him made you want to die.

I mean, barring the fact that, you know. He's here.

Because it's a lot more complicated than that. [Bucky's not dead, for starters. And Steve's not really in the habit of asking any Powers That Be for help. No, this is something he's got to do on his own. He just needs time to work out how.]

Which I didn't know when I signed up. [He is not complaining. Ever. God, no.] But there's that thing about gift horses and mouths. [And he can't deny he's been happier here, with everything that's happened already, than he has been in the past two years back home. Even when he knows it's got to end someday.]

I guess.

There's also that thing about being grateful for what you have, and fighting to keep it.

I mean, did it change anything for you? Knowing what you do now?

There is. [And that's what he's trying to do, back home. Even if, sometimes, fighting to keep what you have means putting down your arms and letting it kill you, if that's what it takes.]

Not really, no. [Having Bucky here is both good and bad. Good, because it's like getting his old life back, a little, and that's sort of all Steve's ever wanted, since Bucky fell off that train. But it's also bad, because he knows he's going to be less inclined to pack up and leave, when he needs to. But he'll do it.] Honestly, sometimes I think it's just the Admiral being... the Admiral. Be careful what you wish for is sort of what comes to mind.

[He asked for time. And he's getting it. But he's not getting the kind of time he planned on.]

[Slevin watches Steve pick and choose his words carefully, has been this whole time; he hadn't really been intending on it, but he's made himself into what he is now. He can't turn it off, and he doesn't exactly consciously recognize himself coming to the realization he does behind his dark, steady gaze until he's absolutely sure of it. And he is. Sure.]

You're hiding something.

[Well, Steve is a shitty liar. He's never been good at it. The only way he can generally get away with it is by lying by omission - which, yeah, he's been trying to do here.

But he can't outright deny it if he gets caught.]

Yeah. I am. But it's something I can't talk about here. [To anyone. It might get back to Bucky. He can't let that happen.] Nothing I've said has been exactly untrue. I'm here to fix my mistakes. It really is as simple as that, even if the situation's not.

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|: 014. Video : When the Music's Over, But the Song Stays in Your Head :|

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