|: 014. Video : When the Music's Over, But the Song Stays in Your Head :|

[andyougoleft]

     [ Public ]

     So, I've seen how these sorts of questions go over around here.  I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of troll answers, and angry defensiveness, and cagey suspicion, and this is me saying I'm okay with whatever comes my way.  Bring it on.  Because at least one of you is going to give me a straight answer, and I guess...

     [Slevin is sitting in his room talking to the communicator, toying with something in his hands.  It flashes gold just at the edge of the view screen when he hesitates to look down at it, takes a breath, continues anyway:]

     I guess that's what I need.  Just one.  So: what was the worst thing you ever lost?

     And how did you decide to handle it?  


     [ Private : Chris D'Amico ]

     You were right.  I'm an asshole, but I can at least admit when I made a mistake.

Comments

[Private]

[mistconduct]

You're not an asshole. You just act like one sometimes.

Apology accepted and all that bullshit.

[Private]

[andyougoleft]

I didn't say I was apologizing. I had my reasons.

[Then he seems to realize something, glances up.]

What do you think I'm talking about?

[video]

[routemistress]

Victor.

Bugger. That's not even what I was going to say.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

You loved him.

[fearcutsdeeperthanswords]

My Needle.

I got it back.

[andyougoleft]

You got it back, or someone gave it back?

[exnihilo]

[She thinks: Darling. And then she thinks no.]

Myself. My past.

I don't know. I'm still learning how much was done to me.

[andyougoleft]

You mean that literally, don't you.

[It's the word "done" in this context that makes him ask this instead of a dozen other clarifying questions; that, and this place. Damn this place and the people it sucks in.]

[Private]

[orderfromchaos]

Her name was Deanna. We were soulmates.

I don't mean - wooo, stupid dramatic teenagers, I've met things that eat souls, they're real, and ours were part of each other.

I had a chance to bring her back if I betrayed everyone else. I didn't take it. I just - want to live so she wouldn't be ashamed of me. I guess.

[Private]

[andyougoleft]

How do you know she'd be ashamed? How do you know wherever she is now it's not worth what you would've done to get her back?

private

[versusnurture]

Does it have to be a physical, tangible thing?

private

[andyougoleft]

No.

[punched_hitler]

Why are you asking?

[andyougoleft]

Why do you think I'm asking?

[halftheman]

My wife.

[ Because no one was surprised by this response, ever. ]

[andyougoleft]

Yeah, I was listening to that.

I still don't have much to say about it that I don't think would make it worse - or at least, be anything more than useless.

Private

[bodilesswarrior]

[She doesn't answer right away. She looks at the screen examines his body language, his expression, his tone. She looks at his public responses. She decides, finally, that the question is sincere; that he's not simple looking for things to mock or to use.

So she answers with a gesture, hand sweeping down.]

My legs. Or the way I lost them, anyway.

[She could say it was her first parents, or Jason, or Sarah - and in some ways, it would still be true. But for all she suffered, for all the grief and anger and helplessness, she didn't feel like she was nothing.]

I couldn't undo what had happened. I needed to find another purpose. I needed to find ways to feel like I was more than a victim, or a tool. [To prove a point.]

So I did.

Private

[andyougoleft]

[Slevin is someone not well known for being genuine; indeed he avoids it as though he's terminally allergic to it, as though a whiff of it, a brush with it, will close up his heart and stop it from beating.

He has his own answer, of course, but his desire to know is in fact genuine. His method of coping has been wrong, apparently, or at least he must entertain the thought if he's ever going to get out of here; he can't lie about feeling sorry about it. He's not. But maybe he can find some other way to deal with it.

Maybe he can find some way not to have to feel a bigger loss if he makes the choice he wants to. And maybe of all the answers, this one actually comes closest to answering what he's really asking.]

And did you have to do that on your own?

[fireincarnate]

Myself. [Her voice is soft, and her gaze is heavy. It's not exactly what happened - Dark Phoenix was still her - but it's the easiest way to say it.]

I didn't handle it, really - someone else brought me back. [Brought back her love and compassion, smothered her gleeful rage.] And I realised - it could happen again. It could always happen.

So I ended it.

[andyougoleft]

How do you even get that choice? Without ending up somewhere no one can have a conversation with you at all, anyway.

[myresponsibility]

My uncle was murdered by some random low life, so I sort of turned into a vigilante superhero to try and catch him and help out other people.

[n b d]

[andyougoleft]

Your uncle.

[imfollowinghim]

[This is sort of a complicated thing to answer, and there's a part of him that doesn't really want to. There's another that almost wants to be honest - that he feels like he lost himself somewhere between shipping out and getting pulled out of the HYDRA factory, even if this new, not exactly improved version is more or less okay too - but that's all stuff he doesn't want to get into, and wouldn't know how to even if he did.

Still, Slevin has been slightly on his radar since Mirrorverse at least - that's what happens when you turn someone's threat around on them - so he does answer, and manages to sound and look more or less wry when he does it.]

Kinda seems really friggin' selfish to say I lost my life, huh?

[andyougoleft]

No. Well, maybe a little, but it's all some people have.

Besides, I'm not passing judgment.

[Slevin isn't the spy that some other people aboard are, but he's been paying attention to Bucky, too, waiting to see if that professional rivalry will pick back up, if he missed something important, but there's been no indication of it. That doesn't mean he'll stop watching any time soon. It just means he's not going to be more proactive about anything.]

[video]

[notsoneedy]

I guess that would be my boyfriend. I mean, I don't know if it was meant to be forever or anything, but...at the time he was kind of a big deal. To me. The first boy I ever kissed. The first boy I ever slept with. The first boy I ever loved.

I lost him. He died.

And so the way I handled it was, I killed the monster that killed him.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

See, I feel like this is a perfectly acceptable response, but then... you and I are both here.

Not that I still think it's wrong, but obviously someone, somewhere does. Or at least it's part of it.

I don't know.

[darknessb4me]

Half of us died.

[andyougoleft]

Of which I'm one, but that wasn't the worst thing I lost.