|: 014. Video : When the Music's Over, But the Song Stays in Your Head :|

[andyougoleft]

     [ Public ]

     So, I've seen how these sorts of questions go over around here.  I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of troll answers, and angry defensiveness, and cagey suspicion, and this is me saying I'm okay with whatever comes my way.  Bring it on.  Because at least one of you is going to give me a straight answer, and I guess...

     [Slevin is sitting in his room talking to the communicator, toying with something in his hands.  It flashes gold just at the edge of the view screen when he hesitates to look down at it, takes a breath, continues anyway:]

     I guess that's what I need.  Just one.  So: what was the worst thing you ever lost?

     And how did you decide to handle it?  


     [ Private : Chris D'Amico ]

     You were right.  I'm an asshole, but I can at least admit when I made a mistake.

Comments

[video]

[andyougoleft]

So that's it. That's what you do about it.

Regret it.

Re: [video]

[routemistress]

That's not all, no. I searched for 'im. I'm staying 'ere and setting someone else free. I undid one of 'is murders and all.

It's just the biggest thing I'm left with, regret.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

I'm not...

Look, I'm not actually trying to be an asshole. I know I can be sometimes, but I'm not, but it just doesn't seem to me that...

If those other things didn't work, they don't matter. If you lost him, and you still don't have him back, all you're left with in the end is the regret.

[video]

[routemistress]

No. No, I know you aren't, sweetheart. Any road, you're right. I just - putting it like that makes it sound like I didn't even try.

But aye. That's what makes it the worst loss. No return, no resolution, no win, no 'appy ending. Just me sat 'ere with a bottle of leftover catnip bubble bath and a big pile of soggy regret.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

Why then? Why risk it?

[video]

[routemistress]

'Cause it's worth it. Even now. 'Cause I love 'im. 'Cause I learned a lot and I loved every moment I spent with 'im - all right, most of 'em. 'Cause Rogue and Jean got a glimpse of what 'e'd 'ave been like and they never would've suspected 'e 'ad it in 'im.

'Cause we 'ad a chance and the regret pile's a lot bigger and soggier if you don't even try.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

If I wanted the bullshit answer, I would've bullshitted you first.

[video]

[routemistress]

Oh, like you aren't already? Shove it up your arse, 'Enry.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

Go fuck yourself, Lilith.

[video]

[routemistress]

I 'ave people for that, sweetheart.

[video]

[andyougoleft]

Now.

[video]

[routemistress]

[Iris just makes an unequivocally obscene hand gesture at the communicator before killing the feed.]

[video]

[andyougoleft]

[Slevin has never been a humble man; he's not sure he knows how. He grew from a sharp-witted boy into a sharp-witted man, and he hasn't looked back, hasn't considered reining himself in for anyone else but himself since his parents died.

Which is why he doesn't realize what's happened until she's hanging it up and he's still pissed, but he doesn't try to open the connection again immediately. No, that comes several hours later when he's much calmer, still in his room though it's dark now, lit only by the starlight and moon from outside the window. He's lounging in an armchair, chewing on an unlit cigarette, and the fire from earlier is gone when he tries again.]

I'm sorry, Iris. I meant it when I said I wasn't trying to be an asshole.

It's just what I am, sometimes.

[video]

[routemistress]

[She's at the workbench in her room when she replies, and she's wearing protective goggles to weld something onto a tiny piece of circuitry. The tinted lenses make her eyes cold and distant.]

D'you still think I was bullshitting? Spouting the company line?

[ Video : Private ] Derp that last one was private too

[andyougoleft]

I believe that you believe what you said.

...I don't want it to be true. I don't want that to be the answer.

[ Video : Private ]

[routemistress]

[She pushes the goggles up onto her head, leans back and lights a teal-coloured cigarette while she looks into the communicator.]

I don't either. It's like an infected boil on my soul.

Whatever thing it is I'm not asking you about; chances are you'll 'ave more options.

[ Video : Private ]

[andyougoleft]

Options.

I haven't even gotten as far as options. I'm still at the "do I or don't I" stage.

[It's been such a long time since he's had anything he cared about losing.]

[ Video : Private ]

[routemistress]

It's an easy thing for me to say. Glib, even. But it's still true, so.

I've always ended up regretting things I didn't do a lot more'n the ones I did.

[ Video : Private ]

[andyougoleft]

You know, I keep trying to tell people that, but no one's happy with it.

[Of course, the things most people do don't involve completely shifting their life goal to one single, suicidal plan and then training for almost two decades in pursuit of it; the things most people don't do don't include brutally murdering the men who brutally murdered their parents.

He regrets every single day the Boss and the Rabbi breathe air unchallenged. That's familiar. That's known. This possible regret...]

I don't deal well in chances. I'm more spontaneous than... than my partner would like, but I'm not actually that creative. I just know what I'm capable of, and it's a lot, so I don't have to limit myself much. I don't want... it's not fair. That the only answer anyone can give me is "it will probably be worth it."